Out of time, out of joint,
Out and about, what’s the bloody point?
Out and out insanity,
Losing touch with reality.
Out of my mind, completely off my head,
Out and out stupidity, time to go to bed.
Out a space, out a luck,
Out a limits, who gives a tuck?
Out for the count, I don’t mean Dracula,
Did you see Miss Jones, eating from a spatula?
Out of the EU, Rod Hull and Emu,
Brexit, Bricks it, Brocks it, Brew
a pot of tea, for thee and me,
Thine, fine, a cup for you.
All out superpower confrontation,
War, annihilate, tell it to the nation.
More money for bombs, you know it makes sense,
Bigger bombs, better bombs, we’ll call it defence.
Out on the tiles, I can see for miles,
Out of touch? Moi? No, I likes it on the fence.
What could be better than a sexy cruise missile?
Plutonium’s lovely, especially when it’s fissile.
Satellite-guided bombs, multi re-entry warheads,
Nice little cluster bomblets,
Invented by the dead-heads.
Warhead, head of war,
Who knows what we’re fighting for?
Have you ever met a bomb designer?
What a job, there’s nothing finer!
Designer shirts, designer dresses,
Designer shoes, designer tresses.
But who designs the designers?
That’s what we’d all like to know.
They sit in an office with a pen and a board,
and a book of explosives, written just so.
Materials properties, shatter coefficients,
Kill the most for a buck, you gotta be efficient!
But never mind the total, it’s a bottomless pit,
Pay ‘em a fortune, who gives a shit?
Out of their brains, off their pretty faces,
Listen closely now, we’re out of car park spaces!
Out on the town, me and my clown,
Out of the picture, falling up, climbing down.
Out of order, out of shape,
Out of my league, I just gawp and gape.
Put me out to grass, I need to rest my arse,
Stammering, yammering, rumbling, tumbling,
Out in the fields, there forever bumbling.
Out of jail, out of the clink,
Get me more wine, I need another drink.
But out’s a useful word, out and out handy,
For a thousand idioms, just ask any dandy.
Bawl out, bail out, bang out, bat out,
Not forgetting ask out, if you’re feeling randy.
A flexible friend, without any doubt,
So out, in, down, up, over and OUT!
Featured in the book, To Cut a Short Story Short, vol. II: 88 Little Stories
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